Monday, June 3, 2013

My Last Real Job

Years ago, I ended up working for a large government office. I had been out of work for a while and no one else would hire me.
We had just moved to the Bay Area and I assumed I’d go work at Google. Because they were/are huge and cool and I’d heard you could take your dog to work.
I wasn’t completely delirious in this assumption. I had worked at a search engine a few years before. But I was mostly delirious, because it became apparent that since I had not recently graduated with an advanced degree from a very fancy college, nor was I already in possession of an awesome job they could steal me away from, I was barking up the wrong tree.
I started trying to find a not-Google job, but couldn’t even get an interview. So I started applying for government jobs, anything I met the criteria for, which was essentially clerical work. They all involved crude tests that were designed to predict my success at filing and determine whether or not I was likely to steal stuff.
You know you’ve reached a good place in your life when you realize your next employer only needs to know a couple of things about you, and one of these things is “will you steal stuff?” It got even better when I started getting the results from the tests.
I was number 32 in line for the job I was eventually offered. That means
31 people were better at COUNTING and ALPHABETIZING and/or less likely
to steal stuff than me. And they all apparently found better things to do than take that job, because I got it.