Saturday, July 20, 2013

Flying Petri Dishes

I have a cold. This is a huge improvement from two days ago when I was suffering from chronic exposure to toxic mold. I’m almost certain I haven’t actually been exposed to toxic mold. I just tend to find the most horrific explanation I can dream up for anything I don’t know for sure.

I’m usually wrong. Not about everything, just explanations of the toxic variety. Like now when my toxic mold symptoms have morphed into a cold. I’m right about loads of other stuff. Like when I woke up today and thought I probably wouldn’t work out this morning. Nailed it.

Today the headache, sinus and chest pressure turned into sneezing. It just so happens that I also spent several hours in a plane recently. This, along with the symptom evolution, point to “cold” more than “toxic mold.”

There aren’t enough hand wipes in the world to protect you from plane germs. The stewards might as well hand you a nice slice of toxic mold with your peanuts.

I am not a large person, but I feel like I barely fit in a plane seat. It makes it very hard to not touch semi-avoidable, plane-centric things that are likely covered in all manner of generic filth. Like armrests, walls, facing seat backs, window shades and other passengers. There’s no avoiding the tray table if you plan to drink (and yes, I do), or the little air nozzle (unless the last flying Petri dish left it in exactly the right position).

I have an incredible eye for (some) detail. I’ll miss that there is a Mighty Ducks mascot in the seat next to mine until he says “Hi!” and scares the crap out of me, but I can tell you that the lady two rows over just licked every finger on her right hand (all the way up to the second knuckle) and then wrapped them around the armrest to her right.

So I probably just have a cold.