Saturday, August 10, 2013

Kale - Best Avoided

Kale is not food. Not that I’m an expert. I think chocolate pop-tarts are food, but I expect that’s open to some debate. I really wanted to like kale. I bought what I believe was an extremely healthy pre-packed salad at Whole Foods. It looked pretty, and was full of kale. I’d been pleasantly surprised by a similar-looking pre-packed salad the previous week. That one was full of finely-chopped raw broccoli. I had expected to hate it, but the husband wanted to try it and the man almost never suggests any food that isn’t alcohol/meat/cheese/bread so I wasn’t going to turn it down. It was good.

When I produced the kale salad before dinner, the husband looked at it suspiciously and then told me about a pizza place where he’d worked during high school. They had used kale around the salad bar for decoration. “It would last the whole week,” he added. “We didn’t consider it food.”

A guy I worked with once ate a large leaf of kale from around a buffet on a dare. He turned green and went home early. 

My husband took a few bites of the kale salad to confirm that it was not food, and then picked through the salad eating all the not-kale parts. I ate a serving, kale and all, determined that I could like it. The texture tells you everything you need to know. This stuff does not want to be eaten. And it tastes bad.

I gave it one last chance to be delicious the next day at lunch, but it did not cooperate. I ate all the food parts and then dumped the kale into our organics bin. That was a few days ago and the kale in the bin looks exactly as it did when I threw it in. I think I may need to check the waste disposal company’s website for what can go in organics to see if there’s a list of asterisk items that actually belong in recycle or garbage. Kale feels like it could be one of those things, because it sure isn’t food.

Even the name doesn’t sound food-like. Kale sounds like a guy who goes to prep school with a future superhero, and then turns evil just as the superhero is embracing super-goodness. Kale is smart, psychotic, and very very dangerous. Best avoided.

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